saw the C today
It just is so hard. I tried to tell her how I feel. misjudged, not heard, wrong judgements. It was so difficult. and how it is feeling unsafe to FEEL in those sessions, how I do not feel safe,and she just brings up counter arguments - like " did you not feel safe when you disclosed this or that" and I say "but for six weeks we argued and mis heard and were in a vortex of really difficult energy" and for the last three weeks too.
and she just sees it as I cannot see how much she has cared, that she has been there for me. When I sit there, it is clear that it must be, from her point of view, all my fault, that I am unable to feel her care and feel safe, that there is something wrong with me, that she has done all the right things, and there is something wrong with me, She doesn't of course SAY the word 'wrong' but indicates that the problems are my problems, that she is doing all the right things.

I just sit there and try so hard to be heard.

She will be able to walk away feeling she did all the right things and that I was just an incredibly difficult client and not able to appreciate the help that she offered.

She said she wanted to offer an over view, of the sessions.
That I had gone through all the interconnectedness of India and false therapist, and the boy and the burn and my father and that all my life I have found very resourceful ways to get people to care for me. And that I keep repeating that I want people/her to care, and that is what I do, I just keep making that happen, one way or another and that actually I now need to care for me.

That is her humble synopsis.

She may be right on all these things. and I need to stick in there and turn this around, be appreciative of her caring and work on letting go of my attachment needs.

She said that with attachment stuff you do NOT offer more than the session, you keep it really contained.

That way you teach the client to come through that.

You do not offer more support etc.

I am so tired. She suggested that maybe we finish today and count this as our last session. But I just asked to keep the next session open and see how I go.

I don;t know where I am with all this. All I know is that I don't know. And I am very tired. And I find it too painful really. I tried to tell her how much I hurt, how much this is all hurting but it seemed wrong somehow to tell her that. I did. but I felt very uncomfortable with it and I could not tell if that was because I dare not trust people with my hurts or whether it is truly unsafe to tell her how much this all hurts.