I emailed the C and asked her if she is still willing to work with me on this attachment pain if I contracted with her to NOT have any contact except sessions and I got my support in between from elsewhere. I am only doing this, because I have not found another therapist. And yes, I do wonder AG if what I think she is feeling is not at all what she is feeling. She seems to think this. My Ex T thinks we are actually at some kind of break through point if we could only come to some amicable way forward, it might not be for too long. But we have hurt each other so much it may not be repairable.
If I had someone else to work with - I would have moved by now. I DID wonder if my ex T who lives 5 hours away, would work with me for a bit, but she is not a 'T' anymore, she is retired, but she is such a maverick that she just might do it for me. We already do phone calls and she might just might sort out a way we could work intensively for a few days. She is good at that, that is the way we used to work. And I tell you , she knows me inside out. She is a worthy adversary, she is strong and she is capable and she is canny. I think my toddler definately met her match with her before when we worked together and I feel so SAFE with her.
so that idea is floating a bit. I suspect that either my C will say she just CANNOT keep going with me, or that we shall have ANOTHER awful session next week and HAVE to end OR
big 'or'
next Wedsnesday we meet and we turn it around.
Anyone willing to place bets on that?
Also I have the psychologist ringing me on Friday 5th to hear what I have decided about working with him.I am scared of working with him as he is not necessarily trained enough in psychotherapy.
Oh well, I am going off to Wales for the weekend and hoping to get some space and clarity and perspective from there. I really appreciate your support. I was a bit thrown by that very blunt comment on my blog that I posted above somewhere, but who ever wrote that does not understand that my C and I have some complicated threads going,and her withdrawing support which WAS there, has definately complicated matters. That blog comment was just not understanding the depth of the pain I carry and the fact that I need help through this, but yes, I need to learn to care for me, find that inside me.
got to dash, might post more later, thanks butterfly, Ag and Liese, glad you are finding it helpful to you Liese, and Butterfly and Ag - thanks for your insights too.