I feel slightly sick but there is an underlying relief.
I went in there for the session today, with my ending letter and thank you card in my bag ready to hand over. I just let it unfold.
what unfolded was good in that it confirmed that ending is the right thing to do.


NewFinder quietly told me why she does not feel continuing is a good idea. All the reasons that I thought she did not want to continue with me, came out. I was right. She is just not up to being able to handle what I am going through. At least that is confirmed.


She said that did not want me coming into the room angry one day and not angry the next and not knowing which one it will be and sometimes 'you are even angry before you get IN the room!" (Shock horror, how awful of me.) Also she said the therapeutic relationship requires respect. So I said ' are you saying I do not respect you?"
"no that is not what I am saying" and so several seconds went by until I finally deduced that she meant she did not respect ME. Goodness. I have not had a therapist not respect me before, as I work hard, I admit my failings, I struggle through pain and I work hard at changing and using my resources to help me. I just looked at her and realized that all the time I have been hoping and trying to see that she is BETTER than she is. She also said that she did not WANT to work with me anymore and did not think she could help me anymore. She also felt that the therapeutic rupture/fracture could not be mended. I heard all that and just handed over my ending letter. I said that since the termination email, I did not think the therapeutic relationship could be mended, as I was so disrespected, decisions were made about me without consulting me and with assumptions made about me that are neither accurate nor informed. I also said that I was passed on in that termination letter to a non existent secondary services "better care" because it would provide more care and more support which it does not and so I am now left with no support at all. I said that did not show that a duty of care had been fulfilled at all. I also asked her not to draw out the more hurt and hidden parts in another client and then terminate with them because the depth which came out was too much for her to handle. She said it was my choice - I chose to bring that out, that she did nothing to make it come out and I told her, with a soft voice and quite kindly, not to be so naive. I said that she worked to encourage me to trust her and reveal and I did and when that material was so painful and so full of anger and pain, she decided this was out of her remit. I asked her NOT to do that to another client. I also asked her to write out a contract with each client so that they know how long they have with her and not to leave it vague as it can be very damaging to end earlier than you thought.
She was actually defensive, she came out with some choice judgements of me and when I pointed out that they were actually judgements she denied it and when I pointed out that this lack of clear understanding between us has been part of the problem for the last two months, she said that she heard I was frustrated by not being able to hear her clearly.
At which point I gave up. She kept saying things back at me, like if I said " you often think you have said something, like the fact you insist you told me we would end by Christmas and actually you did not" and she would say, "you feel angry that you did not hear clearly what I said to you."
It is enough to drive anyone mad.


I feel relief to have got away. Several times this session I just looked at her, feeling incredibly calm and tried to see if I was projecting onto her and mishearing and you know, amazingly, my sense of her and what is going on, is ACCURATE. I was just denying it for so long.
She is as frustrated and resentful at being hurt by my anger as I thought. Her comments today confirmed that.
My god. What a fiasco of therapy.
I wanted to believe she had more depth than she has, more insight and breadth than she has, and I was trying hard not to see that I was working with someone who was a counsellor who could work on small issues and not someone who could handle depth. I think from the Friday that I really let my pain out to be seen, she has resented me. That crossed a line for her that has never been forgiven.
It is amazing how I was picking this all up for a whole month but projecting kind and caring counsellor on to her even though her words and actions were not backing that up.
Sigh.
Even though I was still prepared today to work through it, she was not, so I ended.
I said I have not ended before so I am not sure what to do but she suggested we have some session to work on things that are left. I said that I did not think working on things was a good idea anymore and that I did not want to draw out the painful ending process any more than was necessary. I suggested we meet next week just for an hour when we both said the good things about the last 16 months. It seemed a good idea at the time but it is going to be hard to do that after what I witnessed today.