"Dear C, I found a quote "staying put and resolving conflicts instead of moving on is often the most valuable therapeutic work you can do."
MY previous T of 20 yrs ago also said that she thinks I am at the turning point and that the build up to turning points are usually the time that things fall apart and therapists begin to feel they just cannot cope and clients feel it is all falling apart. but my previous T of 20 yrs ago thinks we are mostly through this bit, if we could both work forward from here, respecting each others strengths and weaknesses.
Just a thought, please tell me if you think it is a worth a try."
And I was ready to work through this, I thought it would be fruitful for us, I was open to this, but I walk in and SHE says no, she has had enough. SHE cannot cope with the pain she feels at the level of anger I brought in, (I have never touched anger before in all the therapy I have done - so it was quite some anger - I at last realized that no human has a right to do what they did to me - they should not have done that).
So in this case, Jones, the client, me was willing over and over to try and mend this therapeutic rupture but it was too much for the counsellor.
I think I objected to your implication in this:
quote:If the risk outstrips our repair skills, the ruptures feel terrible - and can be traumatic when the T isn't capable of containing the situation and providing the missing repair skills.
My old therapist saw me as constantly trying to 'teach' the counsellor how to come through this, how not to take it personally - how to not slide on boundaries, how to allow anger and other strong feelings, how to acknowledge her weaknesses as I was doing of my own weaknesses. She did not like her weaknesses being pointed out.
You seem to be implying it fell apart because I did not have the repair skills. I hope I have misread you as that is quite a judgement and not what the numerous people who know the situation, think. I was ready until the very last moment to try again with her, believe in her and move forward together finding a way through and learning from it but she was stuck with her active dislike of me and her lack of respect for me (am I some paedohile or rapist or murderer? NO I am a survivor of CSA, childhood trauma and rape - and I got ANGRY - heinous crime! AND I hit terrible pain. this was not acceptable to he.) Another thing she did not like and was not okay by her, I wrote about it on my blog:
"You know one classic remark she made this last session is almost funny. She said with great indignation: " you would be okay one session and I would think S is doing okay again and then NEXT session you would come in angry and all upset. You were just unpredictable. It meant I NEVER knew what was going to happen! There seemed to be absolutely NO REASON for it!" And she was so animated and agitated and indignant saying that. I looked at her and thought " my god this woman does not seem to know what therapy is actually LIKE! That being in different emotions each session can be normal when things are really intense and painful. That small things can trigger and a lot can change in the week between sessions."
But for her that was one more of the unreasonable things that I did that she felt was not acceptable."
I just feel this woman has not done enough work on herself to see her own failings and recognize when she is reacting and getting defensive and angry and so she just would not work with me anymore, did not want to, did not want to look at moving through the immense feelings it was bringing up in her. I was looking FORWARD to mending things, moving through this, it would have been immensely rewarding. but no. The C herself did not have the repair skills.
DeepFried, thank you for your kindness - yes, it was helpful that at last the C admitted to what was going on for her, but she is still well defended. When I said ' so you are saying you are out of your depth," she said "No! I am well WITHIN My depth", Which I just was astonished by, because the fact that she can get all indignant that I get angry in therapy and she did not want to have to be a room with that anymore and then in same breath say she is IN her depth, was astonishing to me.
It was really toxic. It is a huge relief to have ended and I have two possible T's to have phone calls with at the weekend to see if they might have the depth of experience and necessary training and skills to not bail out on me. My ex T of 20 yrs ago thinks this C was truly damaging me. And the fact that I have not gone under with this shows that I am both strong and - ironically- am used to surviving abusive situations and keeping going and not going under. It is a skill I have needed on frequent occasions in my life LOL