MY last entry on my blog:
You know one classic remark she made this last session is almost funny. She said with great indignation: " you would be okay one session and I would think S is doing okay again and then NEXT session you would come in angry and all upset. You were just unpredictable. It meant I NEVER knew what was going to happen! There seemed to be absolutely NO REASON for it!" And she was so animated and agitated and indignant saying that. I looked at her and thought " my god this woman does not seem to know what therapy is actually LIKE! That being different emotions each session can be normal when things are really intense and painful. That small things can trigger and a lot can change in the week between sessions."
But for her that was one more of the unreasonable things that I did that she felt was not acceptable.

The last two things I said before I left the room were:
1. I had a dream at 4am that morning that I am in India again and the false guru is on top of me and I am just waiting for him to get off me and it has now being going on for some weeks and it almost feels normal, I just wait and breathe and know he will get off in about 20 minutes or so. As I lie there I see a movement at the window. the window has bars on it and I see NewFinder's face, looking in. She is seeing what is happening. She does not do anything, but I can see she is upset. It is upsetting her.
2. I tell NewFinder that the one thing I really regret is how when my anger erupted she took it personally and has felt hurt by it, so hurt that she cannot continue anymore. I said that I regret person to person, hurting another human being, hurting her though the words of anger that came spilling out.

I actually am quite amazed that she lost respect for me and actively dislikes me. I could feel that in my gut since the Crisis Friday - and at long last yesterday I had to trust my gut, as her dislike and indignation and anger were flung at me across the room for an hour and a half.

What happened to her unconditional love that she insisted she had, no matter what? If she feels this lack of respect and dislike for me because I let my inner pain break through to see if she cared, because I was so angry sometimes I could not hold it back and the words spilled out, what sort of feelings would she feel to a rapist or a murderer or a paedophile? I find it amazing that I am beyond the pale in her eyes for what I am like - when even I, with my shame and my guilt and self blame, can see that I don't really merit such extreme reactions.

I look back to see 'where it all went wrong' really. And for me it was a day in late May or early June when she went very still and said very quietly " I deeply care about you, I truly care about you and I want to help you with all my heart, you matter to me and I will stick by you no matter how rough it gets. It may get bumpy at times and I may mishear you at times but I am very steady and will not turn away." I heard those words and I let them in, deep inside and I then in the next few sessions experienced the frightened hurt child in me - come out. This is how this blog started - if you look back and read the prologue, it was about two sessions later that she held me and I at last felt the beginnings of defrosting the ice in my heart from way back when and let her kindness defrost me.

And that was when she saw a whole other part of me, and she could not handle it.

Also, the big turning point was Crisis Friday when she panicked and called out my GP to see me and he decided without asking me that I was to be referred to mental health instead of GP counselling.
For some reason when I admitted at the end of that day that I suspected that the child in me just threw a wobbly to get her attention, that I was not going to go around being that bad, it was just the child blowing up from being ignored for seven weeks, she NEVER forgave me for that and the feeling of dislike that I was picking up from her (and I was denying was true) started from then, a month ago.

That was beyond the pale for her.

Tragic.

My god, what HAS her supervisor been doing?

And also, I was willing to work through this awful and painful rupture, I felt that it had huge potential for growth and healing for both of us, but no, she did not want to repair it. SHE felt it was too ruptured, not me. SHE did not want to mend it.