My apologies for being insensitive to your situation - although this is your thread and I'm really conscious of what's going on with you, I responded in a rush, ducking in and out, and Liese's question got me thinking in the abstract about ruptures - I wasn't trying to comment obliquely on your situation. In the background of my comments is me thinking through my own relationship situations, more than anything.
But I should have taken the time to say what I DO think about your situation - which is that you have done this amazing thing to get to a place where you can see her limitations - and her limitations are shocking for a professional therapist, in my view. I think you have better repair skills than she does. I thoroughly admire the way you have been conscious of the different parts of you, given your littlest ones space and now have found this surge of clarity and strength to move away from this person who is dangerous to you. In saying that I mean no criticism at all that it took you time to do that. You had to feel your feelings, and they were the intensely powerful feelings of attachment that yes, SHE invited. I doubt very much it could have been rushed. I also agree that her comment about your 'unpredictability' is absolutely laughable - not funny, but laughable. I hope she says THAT to her supervisor - while also hoping against hope that her supervisor is not as limited as she is.
quote:You seem to be implying it fell apart because I did not have the repair skills.
Hmm, I certainly don't mean this in the kind of judgemental way it has come across. I'm sorry I didn't take more time to ground my comments. I guess I'm saying all relationship difficulties can be seen as problems of repair, and where we keep running into difficulties, there's probably some lack in repair skills. Again, I was thinking more in the abstract and about myself than about you in particular. But seen in this light, perhaps this is the work of therapy, and when we seek someone's help with our relationship stuff we are hoping (with more or less urgency) that they can teach us the missing bits. So I guess it is my assumption that you are not so strong on some repair skills, and I know that to be true of myself too, and I assume it to be true of everyone else seeking out therapy for relational difficulties. I'm saying it's the therapist's JOB to teach the missing stuff - so if you *were* missing some stuff, that was the opportunity for therapy - the opportunity you actively sought out. And she let you down. Not at all because you didn't try, but because she is unskilled.
Sheychen, I hope this clarifies where I was coming from. Please let me know if you feel upset about what I wrote, and if there's more I need to say. I'm about to head out of town for three or four days, so if you don't hear back until it's only because I don't have net access.
I wish you very well with finding your balance and the next steps of the recovery you have worked so hard for. I mean it about the admiration.
Take care,
Jones