Hi Sheychen .... So sorry to hear you are feeling bad today.... You really don't know if she is walking away without a single pang .... You don't know what she is feeling .... You only know what you are feeling .... I know exactly what you mean, though ... that's how I feel about this whole therapy process ... I am a tiny part of his life and he is such a huge part of my life .... and I know that when I leave, it will be really painful for me but not at all painful for him .... and it makes me so angry .... But really, who knows what your C's loss is/was??? You can't define it ... She won't share it with you .... But this was your loss .... And you loved .... and that is a beautiful thing ....

I was curious about something you wrote to TN ... something about it's good TN found someone she could rage against .... that you haven't found that yet .... or you haven't been able to do it .... but you also seemed to indicate that because TN did do this that she was further along in the process .... Just wondering what you meant by all that ...??? I do get the sense that my T is looking for anger out of me sometimes ... but I seem to do all the repair work on my own and decide it was his brilliant ploy to get me to see this or see that and I don't stay at the anger stage for very long ....and I've certainly never expressed it to him ... I am wondering why anger is so important to the process? Is it all part of individuation?? I wasn't sure why I have so many issues with transference but I finally found a good explanation on the internet - which was that transference issues are really bad when the family is highly enmeshed .... and that made sense to me ... I guess if I felt valued as a person, I would be able to risk being angry because my needs would be respected ..... but that wasn't the case in my family ....

I hope you don't mind me asking these questions... I value your compassion and your insight ... You are always so quick to say something healing to someone else .... and I know you are hurting today ....

If we look at everything on a bell curve .... and we say, okay, some people don't have a problem being completely self-centered even if it means that other people will hurt .... and then you have the other extreme ... people who can't bare to be even slightly self-centered because they don't want to hurt other people .... Maybe we are all at the far end of the bell curve .... the side that can't stand to be slightly self-centered because we know the pain of not getting our needs met at the expense of others getting theirs met all too well .... but it shouldn't be that the ones at one end get their needs met all the time while the others at the other extreme suffer .... there needs to be more of a balance .... our needs aren't always going to match up to our partners or our T's 100% of the time ... and if we take care of our needs, sometimes it might be at the expense of our T's .... Like my last T that I left .. I wanted to leave her sooner .... but she cried when I tried to leave her the first time and said she knows she's a better than average T, I felt bad for her and I knew maybe she'd feel like she failed if I left so I bought her a card that said above-average something .... and gave it to her ... and stayed longer than I wanted ... and she pushed me harder and faster than I could go .... and I would up developing panic attacks .... so I was taking care of her at the expense of me ....

Even this T ... as much as I like him ... and I really do like him .... I do think he would take it personally if I left .... and sometimes I've wanted to leave just to hurt him .... but I've resisted .... because I know that's not the way I want things to end .... and he is helping me ....