Poor psychologist, he had to admit that he has only had 14 sessions of therapy in his entire life!!
He felt really uncomfortable admitting that.
And at the end he said the felt a little intimidated by me as I seem to know so much more about therapy than him!
Goodness.
And there was I sitting with a very upset 8 yr old child who just wanted him to spank her - but of course I did not tell him that. Heaven forbid.
So we had rather a gulf of difference between us.
He did say he thought it must be very tiring having a very upset small child inside me which I feel is too much for people and actually my general experience is that that part of me IS too much for people and so I have to work so hard at keeping that hidden.
He also pointed out that my feeling around NewFinder were mostly feelings around my mother. Well, at least he understood that.
He just sort of listened and chipped in now and again. And I was happy to be heard but disassociated several times and started shaking twice. Such a long session but also time flew. What was I doing today? I think LostChild was trying to get seen and heard. I think that part of me was trying to come out. But was not sure to trust him yet, and not sure if he could help or whether he would judge and run from me as NF had done.
I do not know if he can help me. I am not sure I shall get anywhere with him.
Again I started really missing NF, her sweet voice when she said so empthatically "there is nothing wrong with you, absolutely nothing wrong with you no matter what others may say."
but then I remember the same voice now hard and matter of fact, saying "you have too many complex problems for me to work on here in primary care and I don't want to work with you anymore."
Really triggers just how my mother was for me.
Sigh. I am sighing a lot these days.
Then I phoned ANOTHER therapist today who said " I don't know how you think I can help you" after I had given a brief synopsis and then she said " I think you are attached to your pain and you feel more alive there, maybe you could let it go. You don't have to hold onto your pain."
That felt very judgemental and so I shall probably not even pay the £30 for the initial session with her.
I seem to be scaring them off so easily. I am frightened that another will run after I start to trust them, so best to get them out of the picture from the start if they cannot cope with strong stuff.
She asked me what I want and I said to know my problems, to be able to use my resources better to cope with the pain and also to absorb the love and care and kindness and solidity of another in a therapeutic relationship so that I can make that be inside of me and do it for myself and that care is important as I cannot seem to care enough for me right now.
She said I need to learn to care more for myself. Oh, silly me, must go buy that 'oodles of caring for yourself' bumper pack from the supermarket, that I keep forgetting to digest.
Sigh.
I am looking after myself and caring for this LostChild, I am trying to find her a safe place where she feels heard and can speak, I am trying to find help for when she shakes and her teeth chatter and when she disassociates. I am trying to find help for the coping mechanism she uses but I don't what her pathologised for it. I am trying to make sure that part of me heals.
Seems right now that I am asking too much.