You're right Robin. I am depressed. I have been for a few months. That is what baffles me. Last December/January I was on top of the world. I had worked through my traumas and felt good about myself and that I could actually breath w/o it being painful and live a life and not just struggle to exist. But something happened. Like I told River, I seem to be holding onto something. As if I am afraid to be happy or afraid to not be miserable as I had become accustomed to. It felt so good those two months that I cannot imagine sabotaging that. But my T explained that it is not a conscious decison we make. She has assured me that I can continue to have a realtonship w/ her and come to therapy as long as I feel I need to come.

Yesterday was one of those days of hopless feelings. As if I will never attain true happiness so what's the use. I am doing a little better today and after a 20 min phone call w/ my T she reminded me that I do have a choice and it takes effort to come out of my box and to stay out of my box. She is right there and right on. I know that and yet hearing her say it seems to be what I still need from time to time. It's like a toddler learning how to walk as the parents encourage each wobbly unsure step until the toddler realizes that even though they may fall & it may even hurt a little, walking is better than sitting and crying about it. But the parents continue to guide that toddler until the toddler no longer needs it.

Anyway, sorry to rattle on. And thanks so much for listening.