quote:

After 7 months of seeing him, I think I am just starting to believe I can trust him, he can accept me, I might not be the person I always thought I was and it scares me to death I think when you start to trust someone and things start to look better is when you are about to get screwed and your whole world is going to crash down on you, a legacy from my childhood.[Emphasis mine- AG]

I SO get that! I really didn't understand my ambivalance about getting close to someone until my transference developed. If you had asked me I would have told that I had always longed to feel loved and accepted for who I was. That I was really scared to let someone see me because they would leave but I was totally unaware that getting what I wanted would scare me to death!

After I told my T I was attracted to him, I tried to run six different ways to Sunday, even going to another T for six sessions. That's when my T cued in on it being an attachment issue because of how I was simultaneously telling him how wonderful it was to feel cared for by him AND hunting for an excuse, any excuse, to get out of Dodge.

One of the most difficult things for me to deal with is when my Ts care and concern and liking for me are so evident that even I am not capable of denying it. Scares me to the bottom of my socks. My T and I have talked about it a LOT; he calls it the bind. Sometimes, the hellish bind. It crops up again and again in so many different forms. On the upside, I've developed a new respect for my creativity.

AG