I get impatient with being in therapy sometimes. I feel like I've made progress, and given this, shouldn't "have" to keep going. I know--I don't have to go. It's my choice. But I hesitate, at the moment, to stop, for multiple reasons:

1. I stopped a few times in the past, once for a period of several years. I wanted to feel like I was making my choices independent from my T. I was paralyzed, though, when an authority figure in my life appeared (!!) to be becoming preoccupied with me--and the choices I made to cope with that were decidedly unhealthy.

2. There is a lot happening in my family right now. A lot. Spanning multiple arenas. Support is not a bad thing under these conditions, and I tend to not ask for much of it. I tend to make my relationships about the other person. This is not possible in therapy--at least not with a competent, ethical therapist.

3. I have had multiple losses and absences from my life in the recent past...meaning less support.

4. For me, "getting support" is, unfortunately (maybe?) more about making sure I can function to meet the needs of my family...but maybe I will continue to increase the degree to which I value myself and not feel like getting what I need just because I need it is selfish. I am getting better with this. My sense of myself is that I now feel visible, most of the time. Like I exist. That's improvement. But there is still significant room for growth there.

So...I had a session yesterday. I've felt distant from my T recently, and when that happens, my sessions tend to feel more social than therapeutic. But I was trying--and part of that involved relaying an important disagreement I'd had with a family member.

Suddenly, I couldn't think very clearly. I couldn't remember what had happened. I tried--kept trying--and eventually was able to remember and discuss some of it.

It was so disorienting, though. Dismaying. I have to wonder if it is actually good for me to try to power through those experiences. I know what it is--"dissociation"--but having a clinical understanding does not translate into a personal understanding, all of the time.

It's hard sometimes.

It's so hard.

I want to get better, to be all of the way better, and to transcend having needs.

I don't even know if this is making sense, let alone if any of you will have any idea how to respond.

Anyway, thank you for reading.