As I read it, you've expressed a lot of different thoughts here:
-maybe making progress should mean that you don't need to go to therapy
-you recognize that in the past, you made some less healthy choices while out of therapy
- you have many legitimate reasons for needing support right now
- you aren't used to putting your needs ahead of others
- you're feeling disconnected from T and are concerned that you're not really working (social time instead)
- you do have things to talk about but get lost when trying to do so
My thoughts/opinions, FWIW:
I don't think making progress is necessarily the measure of whether or not one needs to be in therapy. Perhaps NOT making progress indicates time for a change, whether that means quitting, taking a break, finding a new T or trying a different approach.
I take psychotropics and when I get to feeling pretty good, I am often tempted to stop the meds, thinking, "I can handle this...see how stable I am?" This has NEVER been a good choice for me. Not exactly the same, but you get my gist?
We all make unhealthy choices or revert to old ways of coping, whether we are in therapy or not. Hopefully, when in treatment, we make them less often. I guess the big clue is how unhealthy the choices become when not in therapy.
You do name several things that indicate having the support (of a T?) could be helpful right now. This is the part of you who knows you have needs and wants to take care of yourself. Listen to her!
Drifting in therapy happens. I've had Ts where the session always began with chit-chat. Yes, it was friendly, easy, but I recognize now, for me, that it was a waste of time. I am paying for therapy, not a BFF. I'm all for an opening hello and greeting, but if it goes on for longer than 3-4 minutes, I'm wasting time, money and opportunity.
Disconnection in therapy happens. For me, this is a time to pay attention to what is going on in the dynamics between me and T. And to talk about it, truthfully and openly. Gotta get back on track. Dealing with the disconnection is just as important as the other work. And probably prerequisite.
Dissociation in therapy happens. It just does. The material often lends itself to that. My belief is that one needs to not fight it. It happens for a reason. Explore the dissociation. When does it happen? Where do you go? How does it feel? What are you avoiding?
I think for all of these things - drifting, disconnection and dissociation - it is important to pay attention to what is happening in the moment. (Or at least go back to look at that.) It provides important information about what is going on for you and in therapy. These aren't bad things. They just ARE.
Yes, it is hard. Really hard. But you're doing the work. You're thinking, analyzing, processing. You can do this inside or outside of therapy.
It makes sense to me, and you're welcome for reading.
And good luck with being "all of the way better" and "transcend[ing] having needs."
-RT