Do you mind if I go one more round with you on this? I am in no way trying to denigrate or minimize your feelings and the pain you're in. I have experienced exactly what you're talking about and understand the depth of despair and crippling pain you're talking about. BUT I have also been experiencing working through that pain and alleviating it, so I wanted to just share a few things with you from my experience in case they might help you.
quote:I believe I understand all of this. And yet that understanding has no impact on the incredible pain I feel. The "it's for my own good" rationalle seems lost on me. But I suppose it does not matter because none of this will change anyway.
Part of what makes this so difficult is that it isn't about what you know, it's about what you're feeling, so the way out isn't through understanding it, it's through expressing ALL of your feelings and having them be heard and understood. You're right, expressing those feelings won't change what the limitations are in your relationship with your therapist, but it can change you. To experience having someone stay with you as you express your feelings, to understand the pain you're struggling with can communicate to you that although you can't have what you want, you still matter and are cared for. I've lost track of how many times I've looked at my T and said "what's the point of getting <insert emotion here> about this, it's not going to change?" only to find that continuing to express all the feelings that come up is how I have healed.
quote:Now in addition to the pain I have always felt and been driven by over my childhood, I have a new and even more intense pain called erotic transference. Great.
I also really get feeling this way. We were seeing my T for marriage counseling and I can't tell you the number of times I thought, what kind of moron am I? I go to fix my marriage and instead get emotionally involved with the man trying to help me fix it.
But I learned something about my feelings, this isn't a new problem. The incredible pain and longing I was feeling was actually about what I didn't get as a child as well as what I wasn't getting now. This pain and agony has been lingering for my whole life and driving me in so many ways that I was totally unaware of. The theraputic relationship isn't responsible for a new problem or pain in my life, it's a chance to be able to look at my existing pain and finally feel it, face it, mourn my losses and resolve these longings. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to face and the hardest work I've ever had to do. But it has been worth it.
I hear so much hopelessness in your comments, which breaks my heart, because I've experienced that same hopelessness, so I just wanted to tell you that in my experience it isn't hopeless, there really is a way through this. It's just painfully slow. I wish there was something I could say that would instantly clear this up or a magic wand I could wave, but it doesn't work like that.
I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. It's not of your making and you really don't deserve to feel it, but you're the only one who can find you're way out of it. I really hope you won't give up.
AG