AG,

I appreciate the optimism you share. Really I do. And you are right, hopelessness describes me well these days.

If it is a matter of feeling the pain, then I am doing a great job. For the last 3 months I have cried my eyes out in my T's office. She is good about being empathetic for the 1 or 2 sessions I may get with her each week, and then I am gone. She deals with other patients and then she goes home to her husband (and what I reasonably gather after 3 years with her is a good life,) while I am stuck with the pain and heartbroken-ness. It destroys me to think about her and her husband.

And I just wish that she felt the same love for me. But the relationship isn't even a real one. The feelings were all artificially created in the laboratory of her consulting room. I would have never done this therapy if i had known this would be the outcome.

I get that this is all echoing from my childhood of emotional abuse. I can deal with that part of it. This whole transference BS is more than I can take. It is just too overwhelming. And I can't see the path out other than to keep going back to see her for more punishment. More tantalizing of that which I cannot have.

If I could quit I would. But I can't bring myself to do it yet. When I talk to her about quitting I am in tears. AG, you are wise and seem to be on a path of clear feeling. Thank you for sharing that. If I can deal with this, perhaps I'll be on that path someday.