Hi S.

Like a lot of threads on here I have been reading and paying close attention to your issues but have not had a chance and sometimes the right words to post a reply.

I am so sorry for your pain. By what you describe I don't think what I feel is as bad but I think that is because I never really got to address the transference feelings. They were mentioned but never discussed. Like I said before, it was referred to as dependency rather than transference, almost like it was something more negative and less real, that I needed someone rather than I longed for him. My termination with my T came as quite a shock, it seemed abrupt although it had been hinted at. I felt wronged that my transference with him was never discussed. Left with questions if he had feelings and was running away from me or that there was other reasoning behind it. And I don't know and don't know if I ever will. The wondering kills me. I have contemplated emailing him or meeting up again but I dread him rejecting my request or how much it will hurt to see him again, not to mind trying to talk about how intensely how I feel about him. It is emotional and erotic. I know it stems from childhood issues, like you it has a grounding in emotional issues. But while I can see what I want from him, I find it hard to connect my feelings, particularly the strong, erotic ones, to my past.

I envy the fact that you got to speak to your T about it, even though it sounds like it is of little relief. I am glad that she seems comfortable talking about it with you. Besides the physical attraction, can you see the emotional aspects of her relationship with you that you really long for and like? Hard as it is to do, I had to acknowledge that my feelings of wanting an older man (that I have almost all the time) and having him hold me and protect me and listen are to do with past experiences. I can see why I would be attracted to my T under normal circumstances but like I in another post I know very little about him. I deliberately asked nothing about his life. I didn't want to risk rejection or hurting myself further. But now I long to know things about him. I read all the posts here with people who talk about the personal details they know about their T and I feel so jealous. I have seen him in passing around my college and my stomach lurches. On the day I left my therapy I longed for some touch, some words that expressed some of the intimacy I was feeling for him.

Even my appreciation of all he had done for me was met with a simple, you're more than welcome. I felt like I could have been anyone he's met on the street and was just being polite to. I wanted him to fight to keep me, not say "that's life" and that he had to refer me on to someone else.

Sorry for rambling on about my experiences but it's pretty much all As far as I can see, the intensity of the feelings you are having are very very real, so don't put yourself down. However, you need to figure out exactly why you feel them and where they are coming from. Try to focus on that, hard and all as it is. It reminds me of the intensity of the feelings I had for my last boyfriend. I longed for him so much, for his reassurance, nothing every seemed ok. There was always something wrong as I needed reassurance all the time that he loved me, that he wouldn't leave me. My T and I described it as a sugar rush feeling, always wanting more. No matter what he did to reassure me that he loved me and wouldn't leave, I couldn't believe him. his reassurances only lasted briefly. And ironically, it was that intensity for reassurance that drove him away. It was unfair of me to ask that from him, I can see that now and I understand what I need and how I felt so so much better, it was one of the biggest learning experiences of my life. All I can do is hope that you can learn from the pain that you are feeling and feel better in the near future.

Sorry for the length of the post again, once I start these things I never seems to be able to stop!!!