Thanks beesting for your reply and sharing your experience. I have the 'I'm too much' for my T thing too. My T comes bake after a 5 week holiday on the other side of the world and I'm feeling like shit when I think about telling her how hard it's been while she's away and how much I'm strulgging. She's just had a vacation and it FEELS like ill drive her into needing another one.

Which is exactly what my pdoc was trying to tell me - It WON'T drive her to feel desperate or needing another holiday. Not that I'd want to do that or be able to do that if course (!!!!!) - but the thought that she won't be at all affected by how much pain I've gone through by her going away - that is where the pain lies for me right now.

I know it's very old stuff. Logically I know it's old pain and it's very deep and at the core of me, and the trauma I experienced on an ongoing basis. Like ELSEWHERE said - I'm thinking in 'black and white' terms - it's just that EMOTIONALLY it is so very very painful and RAW.

Sigh - on the positive - "it's an opportunity" to do some very real and very hard and quite possibly some very productive hard therapy work when my T returns at the end of the week.

Oh happy happy joy joy