I emailed T last week and told him I wanted to discuss Erotic Transference (what the hell was I thinking??).....We met and I TOTALLY chickened out and he did not even bring it up. I was hoping he totally forgot I sent the email. I then gave him a very special, small, gift that was perfect because of the "no hug rule" that he won't break!!(I am so afraid to give him anything for fear he will just throw it out...rejection). He loved the gift and really laughed when he opened it. We both did. It was like our "special" little secret (in a healthy way). He looked at me so lovingly and sweet. I know he wanted to hug me, but would never. It was a look on his face that I have never seen before but absorbed it into my soul. When I left I felt so incredibly connected to him (still do) but it is scaring me that I am "falling in love" with him. I mean really scaring me. This is crazy!! I started reading up on the "love" transference as he calls it. I am learning that desire, love and sexuality are very different and where my feelings may be stemming from. It is making the subject all less scary and much more understandable. We will see what happens in session tomorrow. I feel stronger and less anxious. So, that feel like improvement already.