I dont think we've met, but here i am reading your post and feeling so much of the pain you are describing. Im sorry you're hurting so much, i can definitely understand and relate.
Thanks for sharing and for allowing me to place certain feelings of mine, reading how you express yours. I really hope your T will be open to something more than the sessions. I don't email T, but i text. Well... Used to text. That has kind of been taken away from me lately. But i know she can still read what i send her, if i ever decide to write to her again. I have no trust left. Im tired of getting hurt, like you said, there is so much shame and pain in feeling like i am begging for ... care, love, whatever it is.
Sending u much light and strength,
LBT