So, the week before, my T saw me on a Monday and then scheduled my next session for Tuesday. Then, when he saw me on Tuesday, he scheduled the next session for Wednesday. I'm sort of used to appointment times being a little inconsistent, but this week it is really bothering me. I've had a really intense longing to see my T, and waiting an extra day feels like torture.

Last night, I dreamed I went to therapy and my T wasn't there. Instead, he had arranged for a back-up (female) T to meet his clients. I go in with my husband, and the back-up has another guy sitting in session with us, with the door and window open. I can hear people talking in the hallway, and someone is out mowing the lawn near the window. It's almost deafening. I start to talk, but then I realize that my husband and this strange man are going to hear everything. So, instead, I ask the T, "Who's he?" She explains that he leads clients in a special exercise that helps rid them of their anxiety. It sounded really ritualistic to me, so I asked if it was some kind of spiritual/religious thing. They both said, "No! No!", but I could tell they were lying.

Finally, I got really frustrated and told the T I needed a few minutes to clear my head. Everyone left the room, and I debated whether to stay or go. I really wanted to talk to someone, so I decided to stay. However, the T did not come back. I waited for over 20 minutes, but she did not show. I finally realized she had gone to see another client! I was really upset. Then, another female T came into the room. She seemed really together and professional, because the first thing she did was close the window to muffle the lawn mower. I felt so happy because I felt I could really talk to this woman. But then she called a bunch of employees into the room for a meeting. I was standing there, no T, no session, and nobody seemed to notice or care!!!

Furious, I went out into the waiting room and wrote a nasty note to the back-up T, saying that her behavior had been unacceptable. I added that, in the future, I would ONLY see my T, even if I had to wait 3 weeks for an appointment.

I woke up feeling incredibly rattled and desperate to see T.

Here's the kicker: my T has a private practice. I've never known him to use a back-up. He doesn't even have a receptionist.

I've been thinking about calling my T, I guess to be sure of him, but it seems so silly. My session is tomorrow; I could just wait. But between the week of longing, the dream and everything else, I feel like I'm building into an emotional hurricane. I have so much I need to discuss in session tomorrow, but there's something so much deeper in me that seems beyond words, and I feel I'll just go in there and sit without saying anything. And if I call him, what would I say? "Sorry to bother you, I had a crazy dream about some back-up Ts who hijacked your practice." I don't know what to do.