I’m sorry you’re in the middle of a long break. Breaks are never easy. I could totally relate when you said you are tired that you have to come to him, but he doesn’t have to come to you. I feel exactly the same way.
I don’t know if therapy can be done without attachment, especially for those of us that didn’t get what we needed in childhood. This summer, I thought it was possible to not attach because I saw a back-up T for 8 weeks. She was very helpful and I didn’t feel attached at the time. But I just had my last session with her last Saturday and I couldn’t stop crying when I got in the car. I guess I attached to her without realizing it.
I’m still processing her explanation of why I am struggling and so attached to my regular T. It sounds logical, but I haven’t wrapped my brain around it completely. I told her it feels cruel to go through painful emotions as a child, have it reactivated as an adult, and not have the same needs met a second time.
This was her response...I am all of my ages and experiences combined. Certain ages were treated harshly and denied growth. When I feel safe in a relationship (like with my T), it will awaken the past hurt. The part of me that was denied growth will resurface to get what I need in order to mature. I need to go through all the ages in completion to allow for more mature feelings and to learn how to be independent. Since my family did not treat me well as a child, as an I adult I need to treat myself with compassion. Longing, depending, attaching is all important for me to become mature and independent. As a kid, I did not have the resources to handle the feelings. The only thing I could do was to deny them. When my feelings came up, my family condemned and criticized me. Now that they have been re-activated, the deep longing communicates that parts of me need to be heard and attended to, and I need to treat that part of me with love and acceptance. The whole point of attachment and dependency on T is to allow those parts of me that need to be re-parented to come out. Since I feel safe with my T, they will all show up. I need to let the attachment show up in sessions so that T can validate each of those needs while I learn how to take care of my needs for myself. It won’t last forever and over time, it will get easier.
I was just wondering to myself, “how much time?” From her point of view, it sounds like attaching is necessary in order to heal. Sorry that was so long. I don’t know if that helps.
I’m just coming back from a long break. I know it’s counter-productive, but I’m totally resisting reconnecting with my T because I feel like he could leave me again at any moment. When my T was gone, I thought about quitting therapy all the time.
Sorry this is so hard for you.
PassionFruit