It makes so much sense. I struggle with remembering his voice and his words after each session.
The last few sessions my stomach has been hurting and I think he is going to get tired of me saying my stomach hurts. He tells me I am projecting my feelings onto him. He says he won't get tired of me saying this, but I certainly get tired of it because I am not a baby. Sometimes I come in and just say, "My stomach is hurting." I know it's linked to attachment but it is so convoluted, it's difficult to sort things out logically when you are experiencing feelings in your body.
I still think of the visits which would be arranged for me and my sister to go see our mother, while we were in foster care. We wore matching outfits and I can tell of nothing when it came to her face, what she looked like, her voice. What I wore is prominent in my mind. I have some pictures from that time and where me and my sister are in those outfits, I know it was a day we had a visit with our mother. One would think they would want to memorize every aspect of their mother's face, due to not being able to see her often. It didn't work that way for me, struggling to make sense of her not being able to be there all the time.
There is a story that she overdosed and I was the one that found her. I was probably about 2 to 3 years old and in my records, it states I thought she had died. Upon her "return" I was so confused I never called her Mommie again. It says I called her, "Auntie Mommie." I try to place another child in this situation and ask, "What does that do to the soul of a child?"
I know the Therapist is not my mother, father or whatever else I wish he was. This is what makes it so difficult.
Thank you Passion Fruit for replying. I apologize for the bit of a ramble.
T.