Hi TAS - You didn’t ramble at all. I’m so sorry it’s taken me awhile to reply. I am sorry to hear about your mom’s overdose and that you found her. I can’t imagine the confusion, sadness, and pain surrounding that and being a toddler not knowing what to do with all those feelings. I can see how strong young attachment feelings can be triggered by someone safe. I have a toddler and his tantrums when I leave the house give me a glimpse into why I feel the way I do when my T leaves. It doesn’t make sense to our adult selves, but it makes sense if the wounds are from early childhood. I think it could cause a child to go into hiding and suppress any kind of feelings. I re-read something that said feelings lead to healing. You have to feel it to heal it, which makes it so painful.
My primary care giver left when I was 4, so the intensity of my need to attach is so strong. I have a toddler and it’s interesting to watch his tantrums when I leave. One day I counted him asking for me 44 times. I told T that’s about how often in a day I look for him. T was glad I could understand the intensity of my attachment. Something that helped me while T was gone all summer was re-reading session notes. Do you take notes or journal after some of your sessions? Breaks are so painful.
PF