Just got home from vacation a little while ago and had a couple messages on voice mail. One from our couples T on Tuesday asking me to call her back so we could "touch base." The other one was left by the front desk today, saying there's a meeting scheduled between my T and a new female T on Wednesday at 9 a.m. They said to call back and they'd put me through to my T's voice mail so I can leave him a message to let him know I got the message.

Now I can't stop crying again, even though I knew this was coming. The way the message was left by the front desk, and how he wants me to go through the desk to leave him a message, just triggers more shame. Like they think I'm dangerous or not to be trusted. I went as far as getting through to his voice mail, but then hung up without leaving a message. Instead I called our couples T back (she left me her direct number) and left a voice mail for her that I got both messages. We'll probably connect on Tuesday. I was supposed to have an appointment with my T at 1 p.m. on Wednesday. I'm assuming it's canceled but the front desk didn't say anything. I guess I'll find out from our couples T when I talk to her on Tuesday. I don't want to see my T again anyway.

I'm really not wanting to start over with another T. I'm not even wanting to step foot into that clinic again. I feel angry and misunderstood and helpless to do anything about it. I really think I'm going to quit. The thought of walking into that clinic again and running into my T accidentally just makes me sick. I feel rejected and ashamed and angry with him for repeatedly encouraging me to tell him about transference, telling me not to worry about the boundaries, because we're "a team" and "we're in the same boat" and he'll help me through it...but then referring me as soon as I crossed his invisible "line". I feel tricked and embarrassed and foolish. I worked really hard these last 8 months thinking this was going somewhere useful, but now I feel like I'm out in the middle of the wilderness. And what really burns me up is that I knew this was happening, and when I asked him about it he reassured me he would help me through it. How could I have been so stupid? Maybe I really did screw up the therapy somehow. This was the third therapist I tried. Maybe I'm too sick for therapy. Maybe I should just leave therapists alone and try to live my life the best I can.

I'm sorry if I'm offending anyone with my ranting, but I don't know where else to put this. Next step is to talk to our couples T on Tuesday. I can handle that much. But I really think I'm going to give up on therapy.

SG