quote:

How could I have been so stupid? Maybe I really did screw up the therapy somehow. This was the third therapist I tried. Maybe I'm too sick for therapy. Maybe I should just leave therapists alone and try to live my life the best I can.

((((((((SG))))))))))))

This is the reason that mishandling transference is SO very damaging. Most people who have experienced long term childhood trauma see themselves as defective and worthless. You went into therapy determined to do what you needed to do. You went out looking for information to understand how you were feeling and to bring clarity to your experience. You found people who understood and you gained insight into what was going on. Despite the pain and the difficulty of dealing with these feelings, you did NOT flee, but courageously opened up to your T about your feelings in order to work through them NOT act on them, respecting the necessary boundaries of theraputic work. Your T promised to see you through this and work through the feelings. Then when he fails you, reneges on his promise, panics and throws you under the bus and insidiously implies that this is your problem, that you are somehow out of control instead of taking responsibility for his own failure and his shortcomings, you are so quickly agree and go straight to it being your fault and your sickness! We are SO vulnerable when revealing these feelings and even more so since our vulnerability in the past led to such damage. And so it is all too easy to make us turn on ourselves.

I will not accept this. You are NOT screwing up therapy and you are not too sick. You are not defective in the least. You're courage, insight, compassion, intelligence and sensitivity come through so strongly in your posts. The problem is NOT you, it is what was not given to you, that your needs were not met so that you could develop the way you needed to. And that was compounded by the failure of your therapists' to understand your situation and to put your needs first. Even to hiding behind the front desk and not having the fortitude (I really wanted to use a vulgar word for part of the male anatomy) to talk to you directly.

You should be upset but it should not be turned against you. You worked so hard to do the right thing and were let down by the very people who should have protected you. Again. I hate that this might prevent you from getting the help that you need. I completely understand you're not wanting to go back to this clinic. Is there anywhere else for you to go for help? I wish you were closer to NY so I could send you to my T. Just know that there are competent therapists out there who can handle this issue.

Just in case it's not clear, I'm very angry and want to go scream at those people. You have NOTHING to be ashamed about in your behavior.

Please continue to post here and talk about how you're feeling. You're aren't whining; this is a painful and difficult situation and you deserve any support and understanding we can give you.

AG