My T has a meeting with another, female T (who I'm assuming is my new T) at 9 am on Wednesday. I'm assuming the purpose is to fill her in on the situation. He has shared information as necessary with our couples T as well, and with his review team. In general whenever he has shared information he's let me know or asked if it's okay. I probably signed something in the beginning allowing him to do this but I don't remember.
Of course I'm wondering how this is being presented to her. All I can do is talk to our couples T on Tuesday and find out what has happened since I last talked to her. I don't know what to expect.
As for transference becoming stronger, my T had asked once, how would we know if transference was an obstacle? I thought of an answer later on that I never got around to telling him: It would most definitely become an obstacle if he were to act on it in any way. I wish I would have thought of it right away when he asked it. I wonder how he would have answered.
Last time when he said it could become worse if I talk about it, I have been wishing again that I would have brought up that point. But like I said, I can't think of anything when I'm upset. But your experiences show that he left out a very important point: It would only become worse if I talk about it, and then he acts upon it, like yours did.
I'm really sorry to hear that your T's confused you in that way! If my T had responded that way, of course it would have gotten stronger. I've been reading about how T's aren't really supposed to talk about themselves at all because then we're thinking about them and not the therapy. My T told me lots of little things about himself, some of his opinions, tastes, and past experiences that didn't seem harmful at the time, I rather enjoyed it, but now I see that it was enough to distract me from the work. And that's all it really takes to confuse things, at least with me.
My T has never stated anything about how he feels about me, positive or negative. My overall gut feeling and fear throughout the therapy is that he's afraid of me. Which I've told him a few times, and he's never confirmed or denied it. I attributed it to "negative transference" and we just went on to the next topic. But then I would notice in the next session he would seem much warmer, friendlier, almost eager to make me feel better. It was weird and I didn't know what to make of it.
His pedestal comments, his persistence in asking about transference, and some other comments gave me the impression that he was getting some kind of personal pleasure in hearing about my feelings for him. But I don't think it had anything to do with me personally. There were times he seemed to be saying things to encourage the transference itself, but I didn't take it as "he likes me". I took it as "he wants me to talk about transference".
It would be awfully flattering to find out he's transferring me because he doesn't think he can resist me.
If that's actually true, then he's done a wonderful job of covering it up, especially with that last session. There are some things we have in common, and there were times when we seemed to think the same way about things, and conversations that started but then had to stop because they weren't "therapy" and I was left feeling really frustrated, wishing we could continue. These formed the basis for several fantasies, but I think I did a really good job keeping myself straight that they were only that, my fantasies, and not his. I didn't form any expectations in connection with them, other than that we might discuss some of them in the context of therapy only, without acting on them.The one expectation that I'm grieving is that the therapy would be successful and it would end well. I would have grown, my marriage would be better, and even though I would never see my T again, he would always be a special part of me. Also, I had started a little project based on something he said in a session once about reaching a "pot" of therapy "gold". There were a few key ideas he had brought up in therapy I wanted to make sure to remember, so I wrote them down on a piece of paper. Then I had the idea to make the "therapy gold" idea concrete by making pieces of "gold" with the ideas written down on them. I told him about it and he seemed to really get into it, too. We brainstormed for about 5 minutes or so on how to do it. Later, I told him I'd gotten the materials at the store. He had asked a couple of times how it was coming, so I brought the materials to the last session so I could show him what I'd done so far, and to get his ideas on a part of it that hadn't turned out the way I'd liked. I was really excited to show it to him. But the way things turned out that day, I didn't get a chance. I'm sad we won't get to finish it. I walk by the unfinished project sitting on the table and it just hurts.
It had also made me think of an idea for a good-bye gift. We both play guitar, although he plays electric and has been playing for 20+ years, while I play acoustic and have only been playing for less than 2 years. Still, for the first several sessions, we would talk guitar for the first few or last few minutes of the session. Once he told me I should check out this guy on YouTube who gives guitar lessons, Frank Falvo from Australia. He likes to end his lessons with the phrase "Keep punching!" meaning keep trying, keep working hard. My T eventually started saying the same thing to me at the close of our sessions, in the same Aussie accent (my T has an uncanny ability to mimic anyone's voice). I wanted to make a gold "coin" with that phrase on it - I know a woodcarver who could show me how to make a really nice one. I'm really sad that I won't get to make that for him. It was the last thing he said to me. "Keep punching."
Thus ends another "novella". Thanks for reading, again. Today at the farm went great, by the way. Apple picking and peeling is good medicine. We had fun and made some happy memories.
Cheers,
SG