I'll chime in and share my confession experience too.

I had written a poem which I thought described the therapeutic relationship. I had decided to read it to my T one day in session. Well he took it in a more "romantic" way than I had intended. Even though I realized I had feelings for him I did not mean to convey them in the poem. In fact, I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding my feelings even though they were torturing me.

Well, once I read the poem my T got very defensive. He did not want to discuss what I wrote other than telling me that he felt I was writing it to someone I cared about such as a "significant other". Then he totally changed the subject. He had never done that before he always allows me to direct the session. By this time I felt that he figured out that I had "transference" and he would send me away... terminate me. I spent an agonizing night preparing to have to say goodbye to him and hating myself for tipping him off to my feelings. Believing that once again... as soon as I admitted feelings for someone they would turn away from me and be repulsed by me.

I asked to see him the next evening. In the meantime I wrote an interpretation of what I was trying to convey in the poem. I went in and read it to him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to keep stopping because I was crying so hard. I figured this would be it .. I'd never see him again. It was like preparing myself for a death. But he was very good about it. When I was done reading he told me that it was "superlative". I guess he had time to think overnight and he brought up the fact that in therapy the relationship becomes very intimate and there is always a chance of transference and counter-transference developing. Then he admitted that he had very little experience in this and did not receive much training about it in school. This is a Ph.D. Psychologist. In fact, I knew more about erotic transference than he did!!! He has very few female adult patients in his practice. So I guess I'm his first... or at least the first that has been honest about her feelings.

We have had a few conversations about transference since that night. I have told him that my feelings range from parental to warm and affectionate... (I'm to cowardly to say the word love). I assured him that I need him to be my therapist more than I need him to be anything else for me and that I take therapy seriously. I also told him that I won't allow my feelings to impede our therapy but I won't be ashamed of them either. Then I gave him "In Session" to read.

Once he got used to the idea he has been wonderful. He has assured me and reassured me that he won't send me away. He has also recently told me that it would be my call when to end therapy. I feel closer and more secure with him and we have done some good work since this all happened in August.

So it didn't matter really that he had no experience and that he reacted defensively at first. It's what he has done since then that really counts. I can't predict how anyone's T will react to the transference confession but for me it worked out and despite his inexperience it's been okay. We are learning together and working through it. I just don't think I would have been able to continue with therapy if I had not told him how I felt. It would have always been that huge pink elephant in the room with us.

In the end... I do think writing a letter would be a good idea. As AG said... it would give your T time to digest the news and consider how she could best handle it. She may even want to consult with a supervisor or even do some reading about it to be better prepared.

Good luck and keep us posted.

True North