Hi Anton,

Welcome to the forum. Erotic transference can so powerful, and such a complex set of feelings. Although there's a kind of delirious joy that comes with feeling the way you do, I don't envy you at this moment, because there's also a lot of pain. Sometimes the erotic feelings function by masking pain, and sometimes they bring the pain of knowing the relationship can't be the way we long for - that it's confined to the room, and to this strange, intimate professional interaction.

There's a worse pain possible, though, and that's the pain that comes with your therapist failing to hold proper boundaries, and allowing the relationship to develop on non-professional lines. Although this probably sounds like your wildest dream, there are a few clients here (male and female) who could tell you about the agony, heartbreak and disappointment that comes once those lines have got blurry. Once things have got to that point, you and the T are really in an impossible situation. They can no longer tend to you properly as a client, because their own ego-driven needs and wounds are in the way (these emerge in any personal relationship). They cannot meet you properly as a friend or lover, because your established relationship roles are unequal, and there is no way to erase that history. And furthermore, their career is now in jeopardy, because as soon as a T steps outside their professional obligations to a client, they are committing a form of therapeutic malpractice. So these relationships do not end well. More often than not the pressure increases, panic sets in, and the client gets abandoned.

So, stop or go on? It really depends whether your T is holding proper boundaries or not. With a strong, secure T who holds them, working through erotic transference *can* turn into a very healing experience. But without that, you'd be much better off somewhere else.

I'm concerned that your T is telling you stuff about herself that other clients don't know, and that you know that. If that's the case, she may not be that good at holding boundaries, and you may be at risk here. I would suggest that you do some reading around erotic transference and therapists who breach boundaries, to get a better hold on the situation. Also consider getting a consult with another therapist (preferably a male) to help sort through some of these overpowering feelings. And above all, be cautious.

I say all this knowing that it may not have any impact on you. Often clients who are in the thrall of powerful transference don't have enough of their brain left over to step outside the situation and protect themselves. And knowing that your T's boundaries could be a bit unsound might even be more tempting, rather than offputting.

I will say this, though: the feeling that "i could be with her every day for rest of my life and would be in heaven, not in a maternal way but as a mate" is an absolute illusion, and it's a classic product of erotic transference. That person is a fantasy person, built out of the one hour a week (or whatever) when she is PAID to give you her undivided, unselfish attention. I guarantee you that outside the therapy hour she's as selfish, distracted and flawed as the rest of us. And *if* she's no good at boundaries, she's probably worse than that - she's probably narcissistic, self-deluded and bad at her job, despite all appearances. Not sure how old you are, but you're probably old enough to know appearances aren't everything.

I hope the harsh talk is not too painful, Anton. I wish you well with protecting yourself, and with getting the healing you sought from therapy in the first place.