Hey Blue, it's all right to be a bit rattled and not write the perfect response. You're working through things and that takes up a lot of emotional head space. I think the good thing about this forum is that people tend to be really gracious in letting that happen, letting people say stuff in their own words and also being accepting if they want to go back and change those words.

I recognise a lot of my own feelings in what you wrote. If blame doesn't work so well for you, is there another word that feels better? Responsibility perhaps?

I know that I have historically tend to hold on to a lot of the responsibility for the things that other people do because it has been too painful to look at it in any other way. Even now I sometimes don't realise that I'm doing it. It's very frustrating!

It sounds like things feel really conflicted right now, which would be a really normal response to be having. This is the really hard thing about personal development and change; you start learning new things and your perspective starts to shift but at the same time the old thought patterns and feelings don't just vanish; they pop up in times of emotional stress and argue with the new sense of perspective and it's enough to make you want to stick your head under the duvet and not come out for a while.

Sorry it's so hard right now.