I wasn't allowed to express any feeling either as a child (or preference, or anything really). Emotion was punishable. Other than keeping up a calm polite persona and being very very polite.

It's taken me a very long time to sometimes break through that. I still thank people who have hurt me, not for doing so... just like the last T, I sent a 'thank you' message via head office - didn't let out any emotion.

However, during that therapy I did sometimes get highly emotional - and I see that as BIG progress. I've always been able to write in an emotional way - express myself on paper. It's the being seen, being vulnerable, being 'needy' that scares me - surely everyone would poor scorn and shame on, just like my mother. Or I'll get hit? It's reflex, not choice isn't it? But lots of time and some safe situations eventually help us break through this problem.

sb