I was told I was angry during the years I was in and out of hospital but I could never see it.
In therapy MY THERAPIST got angry at what happened to me and that gave some validity to it...then those lousy feelings started coming up and I recognized them as mine. I felt pretty enraged at times. We did something that seemed silly but was actually pretty cool....she and I went out into the woods and I took along 6 dozen eggs. I was supposed to let the feelings of rage come up and throw the eggs at trees etc. It only partially worked because some people came walking by
but out of the whole experience the part I remember is seeing in my mind's eye....egg running down the face of this (shrink) I hate to use that word too much on this site!....who had treated me really badly... Every time I saw him after that I had to suppress a grin.But mostly for me, the anger/hidden rage of those years was overlaying a deep feeling of betrayal by my family...my mom mostly, followed by my grandfather, my dad and my sister...I was finally able to see that I had become the family's sacrificial lamb, my life could be spent, used up carrying the family's garbage... to keep the others stable and allow them to live their lives as they wanted. It was a devastating knowing and pretty well undid me for a short time....it was a very very tender place inside that was hurt, smashed, walked all over. Realizing that and working through it was absolutely necessary in my healing journey. In just a short time (3 years) I worked through a lot of the anger that had kept me captive (figuratively and literally) over 22 years.
It had always been fear that held me back from helping myself by going thru the fire of admitting it and feeling it. I finally decided it was safe enough and I'd had more than my share of the crap that comes with staying stuck.
I am sure that your truth will surface and you will recognize it....fear will try to win and make you dissociate from what your mind and body already knows... but if you keep working at it, you will find that freedom. This kind of work is always messy and complicated....we all use defenses differently, work through our issues our own way, and have had different experiences but this kind of therapy does work.
Take good care,
Karie