quote:

If I were to put the anger that I feel towards my mother on a (figurative) shelf then I would in essence be letting 'her' go, and leaving me to be responsible for how I turned out - instead of blaming her for what she did or didn't do for me. Also, if I wasn't angry at her anymore then I would be vulnerable to feeling the grief and sorrow of her death (which I have never done), which frightens me because the reaction I could have is unpredictable.

Hi Holly, I just wanted to pop in here and let you know that I think you put this very well. What an awesome breakthrough. I have struggled with this very concept.... but the inverse. I have never been able to place my feelings of betrayal and neglect anywhere but on my own shoulders. It's amazing the things i hear myself say to my t about what i expect(ed) from me when i was a child... things i wouldn't expect any other child to do. I have always felt too responsible and been violently angry and abusive with myself.

As others have said, the more i work with the anger, i find the hurt and pain and am forced to feel it. it's hard work and i commend you for walking head first into this with your P. You have a legitimate fear, too... about vulnerability facilitating feeling the grief and pain over your mother's death. Much of my grief about my mother's death is wrapped up, not so much in her loss, but in the loss of the opportunity to get the things i never got from her. Coming to terms with her loss started first with breaking through my anger, denial and resistance... but now, it is freeing me from the dysfunctional relational patterns i've had all of my life. It is the hardest thing i have ever done... but it's necessary...

I know this is scary but you can do it. We are all here, reading, hoping and rooting for you. Trust that whatever comes to mind in your next session is where you need to start.

-CT