I haven't posted for a few days and it seems like a long time.....
A couple of things, first...I am gaining weight these days as well because I can't stop eating everything in sight - the Stress of the job change thing, I guess.
Good for you for "keeping on" doing the hard stuff in therapy. I know the feelings of thinking you're a whiner, this is stupid etc....they are protective THOUGHTS designed to distance you and keep you safe far away from vulnerable FEELINGS that might come up in the presence of another person! Ahhhh.
The energy work. Well...hmmm...what do I say?...it went kind of stupidly..
What happened was I was in a not great
mood. I had taken a book with a story that I once found triggering to show her because I think it's an issue I need to address.....and I read it in my car right before I walked up to her office. I felt terrible through the appt then drove the 1 hour trip to my home where I immediately went online looking for a train ticket to NOWHERE. Since there were no trains leaving for BC or Halifax that night I went to bed. Thank goodness for time to calm down.What we did in the session was ...I was to decide on an issue that was bothering me (not hard to do) that I wanted to address...then blow the neg energy into stones or rocks that have a special name. My P is also a Shaman in case this sounds bizarre. She then had me lay on a table on my back and held a pendulum over me checking the 4 chakras (areas) to see which area needed attention. (Hey, this is new to me and I'm not sure of why or how she did what she did).
She found the pendulum swung the wrong direction over my chest so that was the area that held the problem. She also put her index fingers under my neck while she stood at the head of the bed behind my head. The purpose of this experience was to break up and move out neg energy that she identified. I had to do some breath work, blowing out the neg energy as she did too for me. I remember her saying there was a dagger in my stomach that she symbolically removed and then healed the area around it. I felt very calm at the end of the session, however, I was also feeling quite suicidal during and after the session. So go figure.......
I think that the story I read (about a person's very young abuse experience) prior to the appt is what caused such a neg reaction after and during my illumination. I hope that's what did it. I first read that story in 1995 and it sent a huge reaction through my body. (My heart pounded so hard it seemed to bang out at least 4 or 5 inches away from my chest, I felt terror, couldn't get my breath, had choking sensations, nearly vomited, and felt immediately suicidal ......have you ever read Bessel VanderKolk's article "The Body Knows The Score?). I think I might have had an experience similar to this story when I was young. Many facts and body memories point to it but I have no actually mind remembering of it. My mom and aunt were also abused by the same man we think abused me.
I really fight the terror of whatever it is (this memory?) inside of me that keeps pushing intense feeling up. It seems to want to overtake me....I hate tolerating intense emotions and believe I'll die if I let it have it's way.
Anyway, I am going to see my P today and will tell her about reading it and what I think caused my distress.
Another interesting thing was that right then, I felt the safest with this new P I have felt so far.....I am usually quite fearful in sessions...
I don't really know for sure why such awful feelings emerged. gee. They kind of spoiled the experience.