I've been doing so much thinking lately it's kind of starting to drive me nuts!

But I've realised I silence myself a lot of the time. Like something will trigger a reaction in me, whether it be anger, fear, whatever - but instead of vocalising/expressing that emotion, I question the validity of it and do the opposite. Here's my example from the other day...

a friend of a friend said something very judgemental and hurtful towards me (basically that i have no right wanting to have a baby because i don't have a partner). My instinctual reaction was to tell him off, to tell him to mind his own business, and to just leave. But instead I quietly tried to disagree with him, but just sat there and took it basically.

I don't let myself react the way i WANT to because I don't think those reactions are "normal". Instead, I always think I am just over-reacting due to my past. I only realised this because I was telling a friend about it and she asked why I didn't react more strongly, and that she would have just walked out... So my reaction wouldn't have been an over-reaction after all.

I know my past has such a big impact on my instinctual responses to anything, but I hate those experiences controlling or effecting my life, so I've somehow taught myself to disregard my instincts because I don't believe I am entitled to them and that I can't trust them.

I guess I'm realising that this is really evident in the way i interact(ed) with men. If someone comes on to me, making me uncomfortable, my instinct is to leave/run, so instead i make myself stay because running isn't "normal". Same thing if someone pushes me into things I don't want to do, if they keep going even after i say no; my instinct is to yell and run and protect myself but instead i just stay and let them do whatever because I've already said no, that didn't stop them. And leaving wouldn't be "normal", it would be a sign i'd been abused and THAT'S what stops me. I don't want to be a cliche for abuse, but that's what i am and I hate it.

I react the way i do because i was abused, so to try to convince myself the abuse does not effect/control me now, i change my behaviours which instead leaves me an easier target for more abuse. how stupid is that... what am i supposed to do?

this is kind of more a journal entry than anything, and one more thing to add to the never-ending list to show my T if i ever get the guts. But any input would be appreciated.

LTF