It's hard to not sound like a victim with stuff like this, that's what I hate. I feel like i'm whining. I hate feeling sorry for myself, I know so many people had it worse. I think part of it comes from when i first tried to talk about the abuse while i was at school I didn't cope well, i'd walk out of classes, etc and some kids labelled me a "drama queen". So that's when i realised I wasn't allowed to FEEL. So i shut it all out. And that's how i got to where i am now. And now my T WANTS me to feel and I just don't always know how to.
I think i'm going to try talking to her with my eyes closed. It probably sounds stupid but it's like when you're a kid and you close your eyes and you think because you can't see anyone, they can't see you. Sometimes when I talk to her I feel like she sees right down into my core and it scares me. So if i can try to be vulnerable just talking without eye contact, maybe that's a starting point.
Surprisingly, since I've started to acknowledge this stuff and the effect it has now, it's not so overwhelming anymore. I feel more in control. For today anyway
Two more sleeps till i see my T. I hope it's a good session.LTF