I had one of those sessions yesterday that was just profoundly uncomfortable and I felt like my T had to drag stuff out of me. I had to go someplace I really didn't want to go and it felt like I fought it every step of the way. The weird thing is that I realize we did really good work yesterday, I had a major realization and connected some major dots especially as it related to my self-esteem and how I perceive my attractiveness (mainly physical but in all senses of the word). I found a long buried belief that I wasn't supposed to talk about it, or even entertain the thought that I could be attractive and then made the connection that I had been told by my father (more than likely numberous times) how unattractive I was so that I would believe he was the only place I had to go. It kept me close so I was handy to abuse. I am struggling with a lot of feelings in response to the realization, mainly rage and grief.

The worst part though is that although I keep going over in my head what happened in the appt and I realize that my T was right there and available and all the stuff he should be, I just didn't feel connected. When I left it felt like I hadn't even seen him. I spent the rest of yesterday struggling with the feeling that I was in trouble (whenever I discuss the stuff I was told I shouldn't talk about I feel this way. Go figure.) and that my T was annoyed and exasperated, etc with me.

I realized this morning that I wasn't going to be able to reason my way out of this one, so I called. It didn't go well. My T said all the right things (he even told me to breathe ) but I was just totally convinced he was COMPLETELY annoyed with me calling. It felt like I just made it worse. Now I know, from long experience, that this is me and really has nothing to do with reality. But I also know that when I call and that happens that my only choice is just ride the feelings out. Which isn't a lot of fun.

And while I was typing this I realize that part of the reason I don't want to go near my T is that if I do I'm going to experience the feelings about this which feel too big and scary to handle. Sometimes I just wish this weren't so damn hard. And painful. In my better moments I know it's more than worth it to do this work, my life is so much better, but occasionally when I'm in a valley, it feels hard to go on. Feeling this way won't change what I'll do, which is continue working in therapy and trusting my T even when my insides are screaming I shouldn't, but I just needed to say how I felt.

Love that 24 hour club, somebody hand me a Ramones T-shirt.

AG