So the grieving has given way to processing. I have felt really confused and all over the map emotionally this week, struggling with feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing in therapy or even where I’m trying to get to and then, out of nowhere stuff starts emerging. Like another part of my brain, out of consciousness has been wrestling and finally decides to speak up. I’ve did some journaling last night and worked a few things out, which I think I’m going to discuss with my T and REALLY don’t want to. I know, what’s new?

I’ve been thinking a lot about attractiveness and how I feel about it. And that whole feeling that its bad to think about being attractive. It’s just starting to dawn on me that its ok to recognize your good points and even enjoy the things you do well. Of course, that trips off feelings in me of being arrogant and conceited and vain and how wrong it is. I’m beginning to believe that those beliefs could be wrong.

This is an area in which I think my T provides a good example. He is a very humble man in a lot of ways, who approaches his responsibilities with a lot of humility. He’s open to the fact that he makes mistakes and he doesn’t have all the answers which I really appreciate. But he also has an honest, realistic assessment of his abilities as an effective therapist. That seems like a good combination to me.

So last night in my journal, I decided to make a list of qualities I thought I possessed that other people find attractive (then I was going to burn the journal. You have NO idea how uncomfortable the thought of doing that list, even in complete privacy, made me.) I ended up coming up with a longer list than I expected! Which was a real shock. (Side note: I’m sure that what’s running through all your heads reading the previous sentences is, well isn’t she full of herself? See it’s relentless. Do NOT reassure me here, it only feeds the beast. )

I want to talk to my T about it. Letting myself even contemplate the thought that I might be attractive to other people is like learning to speak another language. I am so dreading talking about this.

Part of my discomfort is that the erotic/romantic aspects of my relationship with my T have been really strong this week probably because I'm grappling with the whole concept of being attractive and how scary it is on some levels. And as soon as I start talking about whether or not I think I'm attractive it's like standing in the middle of his office screaming "do you find me attractive?" which I know I'll never know. But him not saying anything just feels like a confirmation of me being unattractive even though I know he has good reasons to not go there. I am really looking forward to being on the other side of this conversation.

AG