There has been a definite break in my relationship with my T. And I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t know how to repair it. She hurt me, so deeply and so completely. So much trust has been lost. So many of the good, positive feelings I was feeling about her and doing this work has been lost. And now, she doubts whether I will ever be able to trust her again. She said that to me today in session. She doesn’t know if I will ever be able to trust her again. And that I can’t do this level of work without it. I told my T the level of trust I do have will have to be enough for now, that I am making it be enough to continue on. But it’s not. She’s right. I can’t move forward and make any changes or progress without a deep level of trust in her.

But she hurt me so much! And the only way I have ever known to deal with hurt of this magnitude is to emotionally distance myself. It was the only way I could be sure that I wouldn’t be hurt again. And then I would watch and wait, looking to see if it would become safe again to reconnect.

I want to reconnect with my T. I want to fix this. I want this to be better. I don’t want to hurt this way. I don’t want to feel wary and watchful in her presence, constantly questioning whether I should allow myself to trust her again. But I don’t know how. I don’t know how to make that happen, and I know it’s my responsibility to do so. I feel her slipping away from me, and the pain and panic and terror of that is so huge, so overwhelming.

I’m too afraid to call her, because what if she confirms that she does indeed have doubts about whether I can continue on, and decides she's going to terminate me because of those doubts? And I have no idea if she accepts emails from clients, and I don't want to do anything more to jeopardize our relationship if emailing her crosses a boundary.

I can’t ask her for help, because I’m the one who’s put such distance between us. It’s up to me to repair this break, boost up my feelings of trust. I just don’t know how.

I feel so heartsick. I feel so lost. I feel so incredibly alone. Please help me. Please, somebody help me.

Musical Me