quote:

He told me as I take in more and more from him, the support, nurturing, guidance, care... then it will become less and less important to look back on what I missed as a child. It just won't matter as much because of all I will have now. I guess this is a version of focusing on what you have rather than what you feel is missing from the relationship. He seems to feel that as we get deeper into the relationship and moved into processing the trauma then this intimate connection and his nurturing will fill a lot of the empty places inside.

Hi TN,

I'm so glad you're back on track with your T because now we get to hear more of his insights.

I love the way he verbalizes the process to you, explaining where you are in therapy and where he wants you to go and how he will be there for you. Also, it's obvious you and the relationship you've formed with him are very important to him, which must provide a lot of reassurance. The strength of your relationship allows you both to overcome difficult disruptions which leads to more growth.

I quoted that particular passage of your post because as I read it I felt like it explains why I'm able to let go of the pain and disappointment of what I missed in childhood. When I first became close to my exP, I became acutely aware of what I could and should have had in childhood and it nearly sent me into a depression, thinking of the life I would have had if my parents had been loving and supportive. That awareness made the abrupt termination all the more painful, because I was losing something so special that I never thought I could possibly have. I imagine you went through something similar with your exT?

I no longer dwell on what I didn't have, imagining how different and easy my life may have been if I had had loving and supportive parents, basically a normal childhood. Instead I find myself appreciating what I do have and looking to the future more and I believe it's because my P has helped fill most of those empty spaces. I say most instead of all because we still have a little more work to do, but a lot of healing has occurred the way your T describes it. Also, I believe I have to fill some of those spaces on my own, and my P has helped me believe in myself again so I feel more self-reliant.

Unfortunately my P doesn't verbalize the process for me, but we seem to live it so we're getting to the same end, not to say we don't hit bumps along the road as well.

I know you must be very relieved and have a sense of optimism after this reconnecting session.

Summer