(((TN))) I've been reading, but not commenting much, but it does resonate with approach dilemmas I'm always having with my own T.

From the complete withdrawal and numbing during ruptures/breaks, to my T expressing my ability to affect him or other ways that some of my defenses really complicate things and get in the way of him helping me, to his insistence on a real connection between us that I mostly fight against acknowledging, despite working so closely together for so long. Being close IS terrifying, even though it's also sometimes a deep, driving need. But I can't even bear to hear him say the word "comfort" without all sorts of shame and pain coming up, much less attempt to offer it.

It was really moving to hear that he sees you, sees the pain you arrived in, and he's determined to take care of you in a way that would never harm you like that again. I know my T is too, but it's almost like I believe there is a law of the universe that my being close to people breaks them, turns them bad or else harms them and they have to go, no choice...so it's sometimes so hard to hold onto the fact that my T cares deeply about me and will always work to help me.

I think you made a good point about processing the stuff that still feels up in the air. I did that once, a couple years back, about the huge rupture we had around sitting on the floor vs. not. I had let all my questions and fears about it linger for so many months. Finally, I just wrote out all the questions I still had. We dealt with it on a phone session (when we still did those), which made it slightly easier. But, I had to sit there in shame wanting to say, "No, nevermind, don't answer it!" but sitting through and listening what he had to say about his own experience of that situation and of me. Even though the choice he made at the time was still upsetting (and he later changed his mind about it), hearing all he did in trying to provide what was best to me helped me have a little more confidence in approaching the attachment.

Anyway, sending hugs and hoping you are able to talk more about all of this in your next session.