Dude, et al.. lol... I think that's a little too much exposure for me!!! You did a really incredible job with that.

I take myself and think of my trauma related fears and just can't imagine doing anything like that in person.... I don't care with my therapist.. i don't care... I think I would need a shot of xanax or something!!!

Did you ever open that jar of honey?

Today... therapist said she won't be able to see anyone next week due to some random in-house thing at the center so we postponed our starting trauma processing crap.... I was sorta relieved though at the same time sorta upset because I feel like I wasted a whole lot of worry and anxiety management for nothing... lol.... than she siad we can talk about some of my goals.. what I hope to accomplish and want through this process, etc and I did none of that.. it was like all or nothing.. that's it... LOL.. so we talked about my research, goals, academia, obstacles and other issues that came up over the week. She told me to give her a call next week if I want to phone in to check in which I thought was cool of her. She does seem to be a lot more available by telephone than my previous therapist or she makes herself available I should say.. I don't know if it's because of her more extensive background working in mood disorders clinics or what but she is very much the type to check in on your mood each and every session and if you call, she always screens for suicidal thoughts, etc... I'm so not used to that from my past therapist. Guess it's interesting seeing different peoples ways of doing things.

You know something I'm trying to figure out and maybe someone might have some input on this. I do have my own hypothesis about it. Last year, when I began doing trauma work, I was a lot mroe... well... I was nervous as heck but more open to it. THis time, I'm open.. I want to but I'm a heck of a lot more scared. I don't quite understand that because I was really scared before and now I've done this part before. I've told my story or stories before... I've done or been through some bits of exposure.. wrote some letters.. had to read them like every week at least once... did some other exercises like writing about how my abuse effects me from the past, present and future in self, other and world view, etc etc.... and now this time around, just the idea of having to repeat say a primary story is just really scaring me. Like I used to be able to thinl about it.. like reherse it in my head.. kinda... expose myself, if you will.... to it all.. write it out.. get it out of my system and than talk about it but now, i can't bare to do that.... and I just have to kinda wait.. .and deal with it as it comes. My hypothesis is that the processing that I did activated it so it's much more surface level than it used to be thus repeating the stories now is much more emotionally scary because Im much more connected to it than I used to be. I suppose this means therapy was working... but how long am I going to feel this way? The ultimate question for me....