"I can't do these baby steps... this is dumb" ... ok that sounds so like me! It stinks doesn't it? You seem to do a lot of reading and are very knowledgeable. That's awesome! I'm sorry you are so depressed this time of year. I think I 'heard' you don't celebrate Christmas? Can you find a way to have a 'good time' visiting others, familly or whatever, without it being 'Christmas'? Our Aunt was a JW and she would join us in singing (except not the caroles). It was a good memory.
Maybe you need a hobby? I haven't got my train up and running yet... been way way too busy!
Later,
Dude