I too am struggling with your challenge #1. I have a therapy session today with my ED therapist and that is on my list to discuss with her. What does recovery from this look like? I am at a much different place now than I was before I went to the hospital. I actually eat three meals a day. And I understand that I have to eat to be able to take care of my family. But I still compulsively count calories and do not eat everything on my meal plans. And I do weigh myself and allow myself calories based on what the scale says. I've lived this way for almost 49 years and can't see it really changing. If I don't obsess about the calories I overeat and get obese. So I do wonder what recovery from the ED really looks like.
It is a really sad realization that you are truly alone in your head with the thoughts. T can teach you ways to challenge those thoughts and can be there to hear you during therapy but most hours of the week you are alone with yourself and your thoughts.
Challenge #2
Your longing for your T will diminish as your new life as a graduate student begins. New people will come into your life that help fill some of the roll that your T filled. I've been through the ending before. It is hard and I found it easier when I could taper off before the true end. I do understand the issue with seeing T's that are not able to handle the ED. It truly sucks and if I had it to do over again I think I would have made some different choices before I started this latest round of therapy. I do wonder for you if moving on to a therapy that is not focused on the ED might be helpful. Finding a therapist to help you handle the changes that are happening in your life might have very little to actually do with the ED. Like you said you are able to challenge the thoughts on your own and choose not to act on them. Your new school may have counseling available on campus that would be part of your student services. It probably wouldn't be ED focused but might be really helpful for getting you out into life. (a little more dating, maybe some new friendships
.Jillann