quote:

Can I also add that people outside are _frickin' __insane____ during the holidays?

You can say that again.

I know it can feel really impossible but you really can work through it and learn to feel your emotions and it really does open up so much. I've been trying to post on what it's been like for me lately and am at a loss as to how to describe it. I am experiencing an ongoing sense of well-being, and joy, and like there are so many things I want to do. And I feel like I could actually do them if I wanted to. I am feeling so much more, but it doesn't feel threatening anymore. It actually feels like my life is the richer for it. I believe for the first time in my life that I'm actually ok. But in a clear way, I am aware of my strenghts and can claim them in a way I never could before, but I am also much more aware of my weaknesses and flaws so that I can work on them. It used to be too threatening to my sense of self to be aware of my flaws. It was so exhausting always having to act like I wasn't doing anything wrong. And I have undergone an internal shift with my relationship with my T. I know that it's real, I know I am secure with him in a way I didn't know before. I have stopped fearing being sent away or being left. For the first time in my life. So much has changed but yet I feel more like myself than I ever have. I actually went 10 days between appts without a phone call or email to my T, one of the first times that's happened. And I don't see him again until the 30th and that's ok. I mean, I miss him, but it doesn't feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails, because I am so absolutely sure that he is there, our relationship continues whether I'm with him or not, and if I called, he would answer. I've finally gotten comfortable with calling him which has made it pretty unnecessary to do so. Enjoy the irony. I feel good most of the time, and when I don't, I still know that its going to be ok. I even had something go wrong at work that started me into my "how worthless I am" spiral and I was able to catch it in a matter of minutes and recognize it just wasn't true, I had made a mistake. Later I found out that it has been no big deal for anyone. Six months ago it would have been a call to my T. And I know that with that secure base, I can go wherever I want to and try whatever I want to. The sense of freedom is breathtaking.

OK, maybe I can describe it. Sorry, Wynne, I didn't mean to hijack the topic, that's been bubbling around since Friday and just decided to emerge. But what I'm really trying to say is that with the right therapist, therapy really works and there is another side which when you get there makes it all more than worth it. Thanks for letting me say all this.

AG