I am posting after browsing the forum for the last couple of days. I feel that this may be the right forum to find some answers, support or feedback.
I have a long term therapy relationship and have recently encountered a rupture. I am not sure what has really triggered this rupture. It seem to be a mystery to my T too, but she probably wouldn't tell me if she did know. So...I am finding my therapy to be intolerable.
For me...it is about the length of time I have been in therapy and the lack of self-disclosure by my T. I know nothing about her outside of the holding environment.
I have found this imbalance to be very painful and after all this time...I have begun withholding and editing my thoughts and feelings. I am resistant and regressing rapidly. It pains me to think that I may never see my T again, as 18 years is a very long time and huge investment. She has very tight boundaries and I have always respected them. But now...I find myself questioning them. She is very against me terminating my treatment at this time. But will not tell me why or what she is thinking.
I am so tired of trying to figure this out that I am thinking of terminating therapy entirely.
This is a very radical step for me given my current diagnosis. However...I completely dread the idea of starting over.
You see...she has become unreal to me. I cannot find a way to place her in the real world. My life is full of the "unreal" and "crazy" and I seem to be searching for something real and genuine.
When I started my therapy with her...I was about as real as a person could get. I was open and honest and held back nothing.
Now...I have lost that self and miss her very much. (My friends also miss her and report that I seem very closed off and withdrawn.)
Am I running away or am I just trying to find a way to reality?
I know I am confused...please forgive me.
I know I am in crisis, but this is one I can't seem to resolve(I've been thinking about this for 8 months!) I feel like an idiot! Arrrrrgggghhhh!!!
