I've been trying to avoid going into too much depth, in my initial foray here...but if I am asking for feedback then I must give you the details.
SO...Sorry for the long post but this is the story.
Yes...it is a VERY long time with one T. I had several others before her, but have stuck this out even though I thought (on first meeting) that it may not be a good fit.
I have frequently questioned that decision but have continued to work on it. I expected it to be difficult.
I cannot get her to tell me why she is against my terminating my therapy. But I do KNOW why. She is, very simply, afraid for me...and there is something else that is hers alone, and not something she will share with me.
My internal world is in disarray. There's a lot of fear going both ways. The truth is...we are both quite afraid of what is currently happening in my therapy.
Her attachment to me is strong. I'm not sure why...but I know it is. I feel the same way about my attachment to her.
I was diagnosed with MPD/DID/PTSD/etc...etc...30 years ago and have been through just about everything you can imagine. Accepting my diagnosis has not been an issue for a very long time. It is what it is. And like Alice in Wonderland, I have to adapt to situations as they arise.
I have been pretty stable for the last 15 years and doing just basic life maintenance therapy.
Last year...in March I was re-traumatized and that caused a cascading regression. One by one all my previously cooperating alters have shattered and separated...taking on some of their previous roles and behaviors. YIKES!!! Not welcome and not cooperating.
This disorder can really wreak havoc on boundaries...and that is why I am pushing my T to be more flexible, real, and adaptable. Some alters do not play "by the rules" as I'm sure some of you know.
I am still in executive control of my system but not in complete control. Incidentally...(I will be the only one posting, some rules have to apply. And that's one of mine!)
I have begun to work on my internal world again...but only because I had to. I am very adept at passing as a mono-mind but after 10 months of chaos, everyone begins to notice. My dogs don't care...but they do know that I am different.
My family wants ME back!!!
What I need to tell my T is that my needs have changed. I need her to be more reality based because I need to find a way to ground myself before leaving her office and entering "the real world." If anyone has any suggestions on how to do with without some grounding conversation/or physical contact ...I would love to hear from you.
Most of my previous T's would just touch my arm or shoulder and make sure they had me or talk to me about normal everyday life. It never really mattered if it was my life or theirs. It's just a reality check. Sometimes it's better to listen to something about them...than to focus too much on my life since it just makes me more anxious.
I feel inside out...
Anyway...my T has been unable to control my alters and frequently allows me to leave her office in a dissociated state. I saw her last week and don't remember much except my arrival. This is not a good thing! It is dangerous for everyone...and very distressing to me as I have to spend the time between appts. wondering what happened...and what will I have to face when I return?
It is the course my therapy is taking that I am most concerned with. The trauma has created a shift in me that I fear will be permanent. I am no longer who I was last January. My Dr. (psychiatrist) keeps upping my meds, another thing I tend to resist. They are quite unpleasant and only alleviate some symptoms.
My T is an analytical type employing the mirror...or blank screen approach. I personally don't know a single person with this dx that has made significant progress with this approach.
The issue of perceiving her as "not real" is something that is new for me. It is almost as if I have made her a part of my system. She is so embedded in my unconscious mind...sitting in her office is no different than looking into a mirror for 2 hours.
I believe this model makes everything too complex. How do you comfort a traumatized child by negotiating with them or analyzing them? How do you determine how many personality disorders your personalities have and then...how do you treat them without working at cross-purposes with another? These questions go on forever.
What it really comes down to is this: Is this T the right one for THIS job? And if not how do I terminate this long term relationship? I've spent 2-4 hours a week with her for 18 years...that's probably more time than my parents were together while they were married. Ahhh...life's little ironies...at least they keep us amused.
I think my unconscious is experiencing disabling shame.
Thanks....for your help. I need honesty, I can deal with pain.
PS. Yes...I do journal and draw, paint...etc. (obsessively right now.) I am currently involved in a book project with some other people. It seems that many forms of communication are there for me...I'm just having trouble with verbal communication at the moment. Just kinda shut down.
I have also consulted with another T about all of this...but it seems ridiculous to see a T about my T!!! Weird huh?
