Hi all...You've all been more than generous with your support and kind words of encouragement.

My appt. today went pretty well. At least I didn't sit there dumb struck. I was pretty agitated, even though I haven't slept for over 48 hours. *sigh*
The agitation seemed to work to my advantage (after I took a Xanax) *geez*

I did get right into it, and completely skipped what happened last week, except to address the way I left the office. Which we spoke about for quite some time. We didn't come up with any solution, which didn't really surprise me, she is unwilling to consider changing her personal mandate. It reminds me a Natalie Merchant song...indulge me?


Take a look at my body,
look at my hands
there's so much here that I don't understand
Your face saving promises,
whispered like prayers
I don't need them.

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long as if I'm becoming untouchable...

Well, contempt loves the silence
it thrives in the dark,
the fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
but I don't need them... no I don't need them.

I've been treated so wrong,
I've been treated so long as if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm a slow dying flower
I’m the frost killing hour
sweet turning sour
& untouchable.

I need
the darkness,
the sweetness,
the sadness,
the weakness,
I need this.

Well, is it dark enough,
can you see me?
do you want me?
can you reach me?
or I'm leaving....

Thanks... it seems to illustrate how I feel about the whole thing. The damage that I see occurring is implicit in the lyric above. I have this feeling of being "untouchable" and it is spreading its own contagion to my RL relationships.
I do believe that she is trying very hard to come up with a solution. But I am still unsure if it will be enough to control me or provide me with the safety that I need.
I made it quite clear that if we could not work something out...that I would be leaving even though it would make us both very sad. She agreed, that it would indeed be sad. She also acknowledged that my needs were most important and that I deserved to have them met.
So...OK...there I am. We do understand each other...but our viewpoints are just so far apart that if a white flag were to be raised in surrender...neither one of us could see it. I do not want to MAKE her change what works for her; I think that is a recipe for failure that both of us would have to eat.

I confronted so many things...at this point I'm not sure I can remember them all. It was a productive session. But I don't think we have resolved anything and I am still thinking that I will probably have to make a change. I am just more conflicted about it and wish that I didn't have to do it.
I'll give it a bit more time and see what happens. I've already given it 18 years...what's a few more weeks?

My T is obviously doing her best for me. I think she has even sought out supervision on this, which I'm sure she hasn't done for years. I do know how to do this type of regressive therapy, I have done work with many very skilled T's and Drs. I frequently sit on the floor, as a positional way to "drop my ego" so that I will not take on a teaching role, with her. I cannot teach and work on "my stuff" at the same time.
My want is to take care of her...yet my need to take care of myself remains the same. And I know which one I must choose.
One of the ironies of this is that I get the impression that her real life is quite holistic but that she has chosen not to incorporate that into her therapy style. She very much wants to complete this therapy with me...but if we cannot conquer this hurdle. I just don't know where my next step will take me.
I wish this were not so painful, it is just breaking me.
I actively practice every grounding technique that I have found on this site and several others but to no avail.

I'll keep you posted...(it's starting to look like a real epic in the making) *sigh* It's just unfortunate that it seems like a Shakespearean tragedy at this point.
But I do feel more hopeful that it will not be a complete disaster.

SD
I'll keep you posted.