quote:

Originally posted by yakusoku:
I don't think I would have had the guts to share that with T if not for the information and support I got here shortly after joining.

Just for the record, I have learned so much so fast by reading the posts on this site. My T's head is probably exploding. Because you all have been able to say the words here, and because I have been able to read them in different ways over and over, I find that it's ten times easier to talk to my T about things that used to make me feel very uncomfortable. This includes previously squirmy, creepy, embarrassing, weak-sounding phrases and ideas such as "getting my needs met," "caring," "affection and attention," "healing," and "hurting."

So just recently I brought T an entry from my journal, which I had never done in 1.5 years of therapy. I started writing the journal the same day I started seeing him. It's 250 pages long now (although it's not all about therapy!). Basically this journal entry indicated that I understood what had to happen in therapy in terms of having a relationship with him, and that I was very scared about it. I also wanted to know if
1. he was sure he could do it with me
2. he was sure that he wanted to do it with me

It wasn't written TO him, but the message came across. In my thoughts in the journal I was also sort of warning him and pleading with him not to hurt me and not to F-up with me.

So I brought it in and I felt a little anxious because it was journal-y and seemed very melodramatic to me, but I knew it was true to how I felt at the time I wrote it. And I also did want to know if he really wanted to stick with me and go on this freaking scary journey with me.

After he read it, he told me that he knew what he was doing. He also told me that actually, he would probably mess up sometimes and hurt my feelings, but that he trusted that we could work those things out together when they happened and keep going. Luckily, I had already read about those kinds of situations here, so I understood.

Anyway, it was the end of our session, so we didn't get much further than that. He said he was worried about not saying the right thing for me at the time, about being sure he wanted to do this with me, but he wanted me to know that he was committed to me and interested in me. I guess "interested" isn't the warmest fuzziest word ever, but that's a thought for next week maybe.

Anyway, I would not have had the guts to share those feelings and my journal with T without having learned so much here. I also truly believe that it would have taken me many more months to understand and be comfortable(well...)with what the therapy process and the attachment work is about.

I know that I have a lot more to learn and a lot more to go through, and I know that I'm going to really hate some of it, but you have all made me feel more normal and 100% more courageous.

Thanks.

Quell

PS I'm so glad ND asked about the transference map. I wanted to know, too!