Affinity I am SO sorry you are feeling devastated. I really do understand.

I think it's important to clarify (with your T) if the feelings you feel for your T are that of a child needing attachment or some type of erotic transference or eroticized transference (yes, there is a difference). If you have attachment wounds, then I believe it's your inner child that is longing for the nurturing touch/contact with T. Most people with attachment injury do not tend to eroticize the transference. I ask this because I think T's are more apt to touch or feel comfortable with the use of touch if it's nurturing the inner child.

So let me ask you... do you feel like you want to crawl into T's lap and you feel small like a child? Do you long to sit as his feet as he reads you a story? Or maybe you want to color or play games or do puzzles? These are very much inner child longings.

As for the touch conversation. Oh wow do I know how badly that can go. I was seeing my T for almost a year when I brought that up (seemingly to him out of the blue) and it did not go well AT ALL. I know there are posts about it on here somewhere. It was just about a deal-breaker for me. Let me explain that my T does shake hands coming and going. He may also pat my arm once in awhile. But I wanted to explore more touch usage. I felt that I really craved it while at the same time being terrified of getting close to him. Can you say whiplash?

I approached him about firstly about hugs. He said NO ONE ON THAT SIDE OF THE ROOM TOUCHES ME. Yikes... I thought I would die on the spot. He went on to elaborate a bit and it just got worse and worse and he dug himself in deeper and deeper. He admitted to me later on that he gave me a "piss-poor" response and apologized. We have discussed the topic gingerly on and off through the years. He told me that only 2 clients ever hugged him and they were both leaving therapy and one was a GUY LOL. He is just not personally comfortable with hugging. Okay fine. I learned to accept that because, frankly, he is such a wonderful T and he means alot to me.

Fast forward... I was about to go into the hospital for a procedure and was pretty scared and anxious. He was trying to calm me and I decided to ask him if he would hold my hand for a minute so I could remember that and take it with me into the OR. I joked that he was just like shaking hands without the up and down motion LOL. He smiled and moved closer to me and held out his hand. I took his hand nervously and could not even bear to look at him. I pulled away like my hand was burning. I was scared that I held it too long. He didn't say anything but offered it again and I took it and tried to look at him. His eyes were kind and understanding and that was the most powerful moment I ever shared with him in 3.5 years. I took that feeling with me into the hospital and it did me so much good. It was way better than a hug.

I asked for his hand one other time. I was struggling with the attachment... fearful of it but yearning for the closeness of him. He willingly gave me his hand again and it was so connecting for me.

We discussed both instances and he told me that he knew me well enough to understand the child needed this contact and reassurance and he knew my needs were not sexualized in any way and he felt comfortable with the touch.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I was so devasted after our first conversation but we kept talking about it and kept working together and found another way to get through this. It was really hard at times but it was well worth it and I am SO glad I didn't allow that first "no" to destroy our relationship.

Sending hugs,
TN