I'm really sorry if anything I said made this harder, I do not mean to dismiss or be indifferent to the very real pain you are in.
I am very impressed that you were able to think through what is going on and connect it to your feelings of powerlessness (my very least favorite emotion, hate it even more than shame). I had a very different approach to protectiveness which was that I needed to stop protecting myself so I could feel what it was like to have BN protect me. But it sounds like the complete opposite is true for you.
Please correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like for you, by setting this boundary, your T is taking away your choice and your free will. I know that I have very strong feelings about not having any choice during the abuse, so I get why that would be so triggering.
Were you able to express any of this to your T? or is it something you came to understand after reflecting on the session? (Please tell me afterwards cause if you did this on the fly, I'm going to feel quite inadequate
). I think it's important that you talk about feeling powerless and that you do get to scream about it. It's time for you to be heard about this. quote:But when he says, "I'm doing this for your protection," what I really hear is, "You're a little kid who is too naïve to understand that X is bad." I can tell myself all day long that it's different this time, but it absolutely FEELS the same - especially in the face of knowing that he does this for other clients.
This is the key, because this is what trips us up on life, when we hear something so powerful from our past that we cannot hear what is going on in our present. Checking in with your T so he can tell you that he wasn't thinking you are too naive to understand is really important. The feeling may not budge for a while but the first step is to get enough space between you and your feeling to figure out whether it is a good reflection of reality here and now or not, and choose how to act on a less distorted view. Does that make any sense? I think its something we all do unconsciously, I know I did.
I do not know if your T will change his mind, but it does help to have your feelings heard and make your own decisions.
I know its not much comfort right now, but I think this is truly the deep work of therapy, allowing yourself to feel and think through your reactions to your Ts boundaries, its how we sort through our stuff and express what we need to and learn to understand why we do what we do.
I know it made a huge difference in my life when I realized that I am no longer powerless. That doesn't always mean I get what I want or can force other people to do what I want them to, but I no longer need to just grit my teeth and suffer through whatever is going on. I can make choices about where I am and what I am doing.
I'm sorry this is so hard. You deserved actual protection so your could learn to protect yourself, not a ruse to cover over being controlled.