Hey everyone. I'm going to brain dump on my own transference situation (Dr.X, my medical doctor, not my T!) that is in the first thread for those who don't remember.

A few weeks ago I dreamt that we kissed. He ushered me into the house, past his wife, and into the back bedroom. He said, "My wife can't know about this. We will have to do this when she is not home or we will have to get one of those three hour hotel rooms." I said, "No, I don't do that." We went into another smaller, darkened room, he was in shadows. He picked me up, I could see his muscular arms as he picked me up and I thought, "I can't believe he is strong enough to pick me up!" along with, "I can't believe I am in this sexy man's arms!" He started to kiss me while holding me up, close mouthed, sort of politely at first and then right towards the end with tongue. I was thinking as he was kissing me that it wasn't doing anything for me and I felt sad about it, that I wasn't turned on. He put me down and walked away. I followed. We were in the driveway now, him sitting, and I was in the grass playing with his kids as he watched me, smiling.

This dream made me so happy. I woke up so happy that contact, physical contact had finally been made, even if it wasn't real. It made things feel in the past, like I could move on. But then a couple of weeks later I dreamt he called me and said I had cancer again and it had spread to my spine. This brought back a lot of feelings from when he first told me I had cancer and I have been basically depressed for the last four days since the dream.

Then today I was with a good friend who is aware of this situation and she asked me if I wanted to see where he lived. We were going for a walk nearby and she knows that I know where he lives, though I had never been there. I said yes so we drove by his house. And there it was. The life that I can never have with him. This made me sad. How could I have found someone who has tried to will my good, tried to protect me, expressed explicit caring for me, that I can never have? And why can't I just take that knowledge and feeling instead of driving it into the ground by obsessing about him? Am I trying to punish myself? Do I believe I do not deserve this without the inner emotional drama?

I could terminate him very easily but I fear it would do no good, that I would still obsess about him with no hope of seeing him ever again. And why would I want to walk away from someone who was so kind to me when I needed it the most, when everyone else had left me for dead emotionally? He is, of course, also my security blanket!

JM, you had a wonderful post on page 4, where you quoted your T as saying that the sexual transference is desiring equality. I love it. There has been that factor, but sometimes it is just that I want him to take me in, start me over so he can raise me and I can have a much better life because of it! I wish that I came from him. I can't express my emotions to people very well usually (it is what I grew up with) but I did to him and he didn't punish me for it. He validated me.

Gah, I'm stuck and I don't know what to do to get out!